I've lost site of the joy of life....I blame it on all the stress I'm going thru right at the present moment. Some of the stress is stuff that I've put on myself and some of the stress is stuff that has been put on me. Long days at work definitely don't help my cause.
I've known for a while that life isn't fair in the least bit and that the grass is greener on the other side and everything happens for a reason. But someone in the last 6 months I've lost the joy of life. I've lost my laughter. I've lost me:(
My stress is to a level I've never reached before.. I came home the other day and just sat in my Jeep and cried. The tears just started flowing and at that moment I realized I didn't like the direction my life was going...or maybe it was my career or maybe not. Hell, I don't know I just know I'm not where I should be. I have no idea where I should be but it's not here.
I've had crazy thoughts of just running away. Cashing out everything I have, selling my house, quitting my job and heading out West to Colorado....just leaving everything behind and starting completely fresh. It would be amazing to take such a risk and just live life to the fullest. Just be free from everything that is wrong here and run!
But then I start thinking...if life here isn't great, what makes me think a change in scenery will make it any better. I can't run from myself...I can't run from who I am.
But every day, when a little more stress is added to my life and it keeps building with no relief in site...runny away sounds really good. In fact it's sounding better each day I think about it.
I've always stood up and came at life kicking and screaming and fighting through the tough parts but after a while it wears you down and you just don't want to do it any more. I don't want to give up on life...that is not what I'm saying....I want a new life. I want a new beginning.
I had a conversation with a woman a few weeks ago and it was amazing how much our personalities matched. She was telling me this story about how she volunteered her time in a different country and how it change her look on life and her look on herself. She went to country that noone knew her and everyone she met she seemed to have an impact on. She felt like she changed peoples life and in that experience it changed her.
I kinda envied her for finding that experience and learning to love herself. This is where my crazy yearning to leave and start over started to grow.
Then I was talking crazy to someone that I would love to move to Colorado and they said "why don't you" I said I can't because my family is here. And they said "you sacrifice yourself to much for others" I've been thinking about that statement and how true it is.
People don't realize the impact that their words can have on others...both good or bad. So now I'm here today, so badly wanting to pack up my Jeep and drive away and discover something new, something different. I just want to run!
Maybe I don't need to take such a big and crazy dive into a black hole. Maybe all I need is to take a solo vacation out somewhere and be alone for a week or two.
All I can say is the stress is desperately getting to me and I feel like if I don't get a handle on things soon I am going to have a complete break down.
It would be so easy to just run and start over...at least from where i"m standing it sounds like a good idea.
You know the sad part about this posting.....I had planned on writing something completely different and for some reason this all just kinda spilled out...funny how things just happen!
