For years I have been battling my weight. Whether or not I actually had a weight problem, it didn't matter because I felt like I did.
I had a love hate relationship with my scale and those stupid numbers. All the numbers...what the scale said, what my pants size was, what the BMI should be vs what it is, all the measurements around the body, the height vs weight balance, calories in vs calories out, all the numbers. My life and how I felt everyday revolved around those numbers.
Because I focused so much on those numbers I tried everything to make the scale read my number, to slide on a pair of size 8 pants, to have the BMI tell me I was "normal", to have the measuring tape tell me my arm circumference was average. I joined weight watchers, I exercised, I yo-yo dieted, I fad dieted, I even starved myself at one point. Yes, I was desperate to make all those numbers love me.
For 30 some years I have been battling the numbers. I wanted to have all those numbers so bad that at one point I did stop eating for a long time. I'm not sure how I stopped eating but I was down to eating lettuce and drinking pepsi and that was it. My pelvic bones protruded through my skin and you could see each and every rib bone. But my weight...my weight we still not there. I should be 135 not 137...no matter what I did I couldn't get to that average weight for a 5'5 female. I needed to be at 135. Never mind my face was gaunt and I had dark circle around my eye, never mind I was tired all the time, never mind I was getting bruises on my bottom from where my bones were hitting the seat...I needed those numbers. I needed that scale to say I was a healthy 135.
As time went on I started to eat again and started to gain weight...I hated it. But I couldn't stop eating again, my will power seemed to leave me. The scale kept climbing and my body kept changing and then finally I was fat. Officially fat, all the numbers told me I was fat. Infact the BMI told me I was obese! I hated those numbers, I hated getting on the scale every day but yet I did it. And what that scale told me was I was a loser and fat and unloveable because I couldn't manage my weight.
I've hated myself for a very long time. I've hated those numbers for a very long time. I've hated alot about myself because of those number but then something changed a few months ago.
My Scale Broke!!!
I had been dieting and was weighing my self everyday. Two or Three times a day. The scale was moving just a little bit but just enough to give me hope. And then the fateful day, I jump on the scale, not knowing it was broken and I gained 10lbs over night. I panicked, the scale had to be wrong. What did I do to have gained so much weight? Then I jumped on the scale again and the weight was back down! What the Hell. I pick up my scale to look at it and as I picked it up one of the legs fell to the floor and bounced. My scale WAS broken.
Relief....than PANIC! MY SCALE WAS BROKEN!! How do I know if the numbers love me today? I wanted to run to the store and pick up a new scale but something happened in the brief moment of panic.
I stopped, picked up my scale, took it to the trash and it was all over. I stood there for a second staring at the scale in the trash and felt this small burden fall off my shoulders. It was a very settle feeling of freedom from the numbers.
As the week went on, I discovered I focused less and less on my weight. Then my focus changed from weight to exercise. But not really exercise, I wanted to do things that were fun and not just lift weights in the gym or go to an aerobics class. I wanted to do things outside and so my search started.
I joined a soccer league to start, then I started to run slowly at first and not very far, then I picked up biking, of which a friend suggested I try a dualthon, so I signed up. Then I joined a gym with a lap pool and have been doing laps. Small things but they are all things I really enjoy!
In the mix of everything, I stopped weighing and measuring myself and decided I was going to have fun and if I lose weight in the process great and if not, maybe I can at least get a little healthier along they way.
The neat thing is that since I've started all these activities I've noticed a little change in my body. Not much but just a little change. My pants are a little bit looser and my thighs are a little bit firmer and my belly is a little bit smaller.
I have no idea how much I weigh and I have no interest in finding out. For the first time I'm embracing my body and the way that it is and have finally stopped obsessing about those numbers. Those numbers no longer control how I feel about myself.
I've found a new place in life and I refuse to go back to allowing those number to control my every move. I am free from those stupid numbers and I love it!!!!
